Category Archives: Crazy Stuff

Good solid advice from my hubby!

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I read this and asked my husband if it was true, he agrees whole heartedly!

If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she growls at you, retreat to a safe distance and throw a chocolate bar at her!

I also agree with this, I mean there is very little that chocolate doesn’t cure!

Damned if you Do, Damned if you Don’t, Part III

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POSTPARTUM BABY WEIGHT

CELEBRITY STYLE:

If you lost all your baby weight the second, the second you had your baby, you my friend are a crazy, self-centred, cow, who just wants the world to know how much better she is than all you lowlife mothers who put their babies first. I mean having a baby is the greatest accessory, and now you can start your endeavors into the Mommy and Baby market, you cannot be a schlub if you plan on launching anything post baby, so if there was a treadmill next to your hospital bed, you would for sure be on it. You may even be one of those that opted for a C-section and asked for an immediate tummy tuck. (FYI, when I had to ask for my emergency C-section, I’m not gonna lie, I asked for this, my doc said no respectable doctor in Canada would EVER do that…Damn-it). Anyway if you fall in to this category, you are a special type of Kim Kardashian, and we all know how everyone loves to hate that woman!

GYM-RAT:

I personally don’t understand how people have the energy nor time to go to the gym right after having a baby, but it happens and these women will eye you down like a hungry wolf, or a disgusted child about to vomit, when they see you slovenly shoving some sort of treat into your mouth. You never know if you should feel sorry for them, or be proud of their determination and will power. It is like looking at animals in the zoo, you are in awe of the Majestic Girraffe or Lion, but you feel bad for them caged up. I think these women should be praised but most other people will call them out for leaving their child behind for their own well being. Being a Mother should be the only thing that matters to them, and much of society thinks that these women are the worst. The best line that I have heard said about these women was: Why do you even bother having children if you are just going to leave them, to go workout.

EASY GOING:

Hi, Hi this is me! I had my first son, and I nursed him for a good 15 months, and I didn’t even attempt to lose weight until I had weaned him, unless you count that time I went to the gym in my building and attempted to do yoga in the child’s pose and promptly fell asleep! I was woken up about 25 mins later by my phone, but I swear to God, I still crack up laughing when I think about it. Any way, I am one of those unlucky few that doesn’t lose weight until I stop nursing in full. My doctor said that it has something to do with my body holding onto fat in order to produce milk. oh joy of joys lucky me. So while all those celebrity mothers go on and on about how breastfeeding is the best thing to lose weight, while people know that I am still nursing and they ask me why I haven’t lost the weight, I just tell them, it isn’t the case for me. Wow, though people think I am some kind of slob who doesn’t do anything, but the truth is I like eating good healthy food, I cook daily for my children and husband, and I do it from scratch, no additives nor preservatives and I clean up, but I make heart-healthy food, but I also make pretty damn good desserts. I made a pumpkin pie from scratch and baked it into a chocolate cake and topped it with homemade chocolate fudge icing, and let me tell you, I still have visions of that cake in my head. I see how other people look at me when I eat, like why are you eating cheese or carbs, you should try to lose weight. It just makes me want to say; Fuck you, you need to lose some fat from your head!

What is the worst thing that you have heard or experienced with regards to postpartum weight lost?

Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t, Pärt Deux

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I hope you enjoyed my last post, here is part 2, while still on the topic of pregnancy, and childbirth, this DIYD (Damned if you do) is on the topic of Hospital Birth or Home Birth…seriously I have been thinking about all the different categories that I can do this with and the possibilities are endless. I hope you enjoy! If you do not enjoy this, (especially considering how much of this all is sarcasm combined with my sick sense of humour) go somewhere else and read something that does amuse you. Simple.

Truthfully I do not even understand why people are so judgy about this. After my first delivery, where I was scared, stressed, and only given the option of an epidural, I would not have minded having a home birth. With that said, there are CRAZIES on both sides of this argument that take things to a whole different level, I have tried my best to sum it all up, but I hope that it conveys my point that no matter what you choose as a woman or parent, you will be bombarded by haters! Haters, Haters everywhere!

HOSPITAL BIRTH vs. HOME BIRTH

HOSPITAL BIRTH:

I am surprised that you are willing to expose your children to superbugs and diseases so willingly, I mean I have some garbage outback that you can smear onto your baby’s face when he is born if you would like. We thought you would be a better parent than that. Why would you bring your baby into the world in the place where people go to die? The doctors are just there as pawns, of the pharmaceutical companies and you are just a sucker buying into the business of birthing babies. I bet you will get an epidural, and pitocin to induce your labour too, not to mention that they will most likely use a vacuum, or forceps or some other contraption to get your kid out and most likely harm them. When they harm your baby on purpose they basically have you for life once you begin life there. Wow, I am ashamed to know you.

HOME BIRTH:

I am surprised that you are willing to expose your children to superbugs and diseases so willing, I mean I have some garbage outback that you can smear onto your baby’s face when he is born if you would like. We thought you would be a better parent than that. (so funny how similar both sides fight using the same arguments) Why would you not want your child to be born in a sterile environment. What if you missed a spot cleaning and the baby lands right there? Eww! Simply put, you, your dirty hippy Doula, and Midwife are bat-shit cray cray! You are going to turn your baby into some sort of, weirdo, who like does weirdo hippy things like you.

Hospitalbirth homebirth

Like I said earlier, Haters are going to hate you no matter what you may choose, so brush them off, like they are Dirt off of your shoulder.

Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t…part 1 of many

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When a woman becomes pregnant, in this hyper sensitive age of parenting, usually it is a magical experience, deep down, she feels that connection to this little form of life that she is harbouring within, and nurturing to bring forth into the world. As of late though and now having gotten through 2 pregnancies and deliveries, and still having my children standing, means that I can say something about it, not much, but something.

I plan on sharing all the judgy comments from the mean girl wannabe mothers, who to me seem to be steeped in this high school mentality of what life should be. So here goes nothing:

NATURAL (no drug use) BIRTH vs. EPIDURAL

NATURAL (No Drugs at all):

Wow, you are an overachieving bitch, who wants to shame all other women, and men for that matter. You are the worst and the best type of person ever.

NATURAL (with alternative methods):

You my friend, are not just a bitch, but you are a dirty, hippy bitch, who has thought of some random pain alternative to drugs, like hydra-therapy, to show all other women that the pain is not as bad as they make it out to be. You are such a dirty hippy that if you tell most hospital personnel that you subscribe to this method of birthing, you will be met with scowls and dumbfounded faces as if they are playing knifey spooney with you. You will say that you would like to use water therapy, or a certain herb(I am not talking about mary jane I just cannot remember for the life of me a specific herb used for pain relief during labour) to ease your pain, and their response will be; sure sure you want an Epidural. you will say no, a natural pain reliever. Again the staffer will say, as if confirming what they heard from you: EPI-DUR-AL.

EPIDURAL:

Scratch all of the above, you are the WORST human being EVER. You have bought into the big Pharma companies and feel that they only way to experience what every woman has been doing since the beginning of time, is just too tough for your princess-y, entitled ass. I mean come on, Really? You cannot even give birth without drugs, what kind of a woman are you? You are more than willing to drug your baby up upon entrance into the world, I pity your children, for they will be forever glassy eyed and drugged and most likely become addicts because you chose an epidural. Good luck with that.

The proverbial introduction

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As I sit here, with baby on my boob, laptop perched on my knees, and the big boy napping restlessly, while he has one hand on my tummy, I thought to myself, now is the perfect moment for a blog entry!

When I was single I used to write notes on Facebook (Yes, I am dating myself here) for my friends to listen to my rants and have a laugh at my expense.  Now that I’ve been married and popped out some children, I realized that I’ve reserved my ranting and raving for my closest friends.  In doing so, I feel as though I am depriving the world of all the hilarity that ensues on a daily basis in my home.

Don’t get my wrong, my home is by far happy go lucky at all times, in fact my husband and I are a work in progress. I say this in the best possible way, because after having children we have had to make adjustments to our lives and rightfully so. Look my belief is that if you say you are perfect as a couple chances are, you aren’t. I want to always progress and go forth in life, and I want my marriage to do the same.  God, I couldn’t even imagine being the same person I was when I didn’t have children. I was such a judgy, entitled, and quite a bit of a snarky wench!

Anyway, yesterday while I was watching “The Social” which is a Canadian version of the view, but better! (minus Whoopi Goldberg, damn if she could be the 5th chair on the Social I’d be a happy camper) but I digress…I was watching “The Social” and the ladies were talking about habits that annoy them the most about their spouses.  Each of the ladies, had just one gripe of their husbands’ most irritating quality, but just my luck, I hit the jackpot, because my lovely hubby had every single one of those qualities! Woot woot, Lucky Me! The list was pretty funny, from leaving the toilet seat up, to leaving a trail of open drawers, cupboards, crumbs behind while doing something, as if he is Hansel, and has to find his way back to the front door in case he gets lost in the house! STEUPSE (for those that don’t know what STEUPSE means it is the sound of kissing your teeth, basically so that I don’t curse someone out in public).

I learned something from watching that show, my husband and I aren’t the only ones that go through this! Whaat?!? that made me feel great! All my life I grew up around people that didn’t have the best marriages, in fact my parents divorced when I was barely in 4th grade. For those of you that know anything about the Indian Community in the 80s, this was pretty much unheard of, to this day, I have yet to meet someone who went through this in the 80s, that is Indian. Don’t get me wrong there were so many Aunts and Uncles that should have gotten divorced but stayed together for the sake of their children. Looking at their kids and looking at me now, I honestly cannot tell you who was better off. I know that I have quite a few emotional scars because of it, but I also know that my scars that you can and cannot see are a part of me.  I wear them happily now, but I am well into my 30s so it did take me quite a bit of time.

When I realized that I could learn something from these lovely women sharing their marriage qualms, and talking to my girlfriends I figured hell, why not start a place where women can share these ideas with each other? I mean can I really be the only one that feels as though their husband is their teenage son at times? Sometimes I feel as though I’m dealing with a bloody Duffer, picking up socks, clothes, and dishes for the love of God, why must we tell you where the dishes go?!? Huh, didn’t you go pick up the bloody plate from where it belongs in the first effing place?!? Pfft…sorry I went off there didn’t I?

What does your significant other do that drives you bonkers? I’d really like to know? Somebody, Anybody, come on don’t leave me hanging, and if you are a man reading this feel free to tell me if your wife does something to annoy you…like asking if you if an outfit makes her look fat, or the best one that I’ve ever heard from one of my male friends was when he said his wife asked if a pair of shoes made her look fat, not her feet, but made her look fat! Oh man, I died when I heard that one!

Also be forewarned that if you don’t know that all of this ranting and raving is done in jest, that I suggest you not comment or read any future posts. This is my outlet, for me to take a comical look at my life and then share, in a way this is my therapy, I get to write and joke, while reflecting internally about my day to day activities.