Tag Archives: Pregnancy

Never Say Never

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To all you new Mothers & Moms to be, I see you. I see you saying all this judgemental stuff, saying I would Never do this or let my children do that. I have been you. I get it. Let me say this that eating crow was the Hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do!

Don’t judge the mom with one kid, when you have none.

Don’t judge the mom with two kids when you have one.

Don’t judge the mom with three kids until you have three, etc etc because until you have walked a mile in that Woman’s (or Man’s) shoes, you Really and truly have no clue! Like none, really and truly, being a parent is like the Hardest Job in the world, and you have to do it for the most part on little to no sleep, and you are trying to take care of this living, breathing piece of you, that has his/her own ideas and personality that sometimes refuses to be tamed.

Many parents don’t even agree on taming young children so that their true personalities can come through. It’s such a crazy thought to me personally, let me make my child like everyone else so that they are more pleasing to other people. Really? No Thank you!

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Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t, Pärt Deux

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I hope you enjoyed my last post, here is part 2, while still on the topic of pregnancy, and childbirth, this DIYD (Damned if you do) is on the topic of Hospital Birth or Home Birth…seriously I have been thinking about all the different categories that I can do this with and the possibilities are endless. I hope you enjoy! If you do not enjoy this, (especially considering how much of this all is sarcasm combined with my sick sense of humour) go somewhere else and read something that does amuse you. Simple.

Truthfully I do not even understand why people are so judgy about this. After my first delivery, where I was scared, stressed, and only given the option of an epidural, I would not have minded having a home birth. With that said, there are CRAZIES on both sides of this argument that take things to a whole different level, I have tried my best to sum it all up, but I hope that it conveys my point that no matter what you choose as a woman or parent, you will be bombarded by haters! Haters, Haters everywhere!

HOSPITAL BIRTH vs. HOME BIRTH

HOSPITAL BIRTH:

I am surprised that you are willing to expose your children to superbugs and diseases so willingly, I mean I have some garbage outback that you can smear onto your baby’s face when he is born if you would like. We thought you would be a better parent than that. Why would you bring your baby into the world in the place where people go to die? The doctors are just there as pawns, of the pharmaceutical companies and you are just a sucker buying into the business of birthing babies. I bet you will get an epidural, and pitocin to induce your labour too, not to mention that they will most likely use a vacuum, or forceps or some other contraption to get your kid out and most likely harm them. When they harm your baby on purpose they basically have you for life once you begin life there. Wow, I am ashamed to know you.

HOME BIRTH:

I am surprised that you are willing to expose your children to superbugs and diseases so willing, I mean I have some garbage outback that you can smear onto your baby’s face when he is born if you would like. We thought you would be a better parent than that. (so funny how similar both sides fight using the same arguments) Why would you not want your child to be born in a sterile environment. What if you missed a spot cleaning and the baby lands right there? Eww! Simply put, you, your dirty hippy Doula, and Midwife are bat-shit cray cray! You are going to turn your baby into some sort of, weirdo, who like does weirdo hippy things like you.

Hospitalbirth homebirth

Like I said earlier, Haters are going to hate you no matter what you may choose, so brush them off, like they are Dirt off of your shoulder.

Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t…part 1 of many

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When a woman becomes pregnant, in this hyper sensitive age of parenting, usually it is a magical experience, deep down, she feels that connection to this little form of life that she is harbouring within, and nurturing to bring forth into the world. As of late though and now having gotten through 2 pregnancies and deliveries, and still having my children standing, means that I can say something about it, not much, but something.

I plan on sharing all the judgy comments from the mean girl wannabe mothers, who to me seem to be steeped in this high school mentality of what life should be. So here goes nothing:

NATURAL (no drug use) BIRTH vs. EPIDURAL

NATURAL (No Drugs at all):

Wow, you are an overachieving bitch, who wants to shame all other women, and men for that matter. You are the worst and the best type of person ever.

NATURAL (with alternative methods):

You my friend, are not just a bitch, but you are a dirty, hippy bitch, who has thought of some random pain alternative to drugs, like hydra-therapy, to show all other women that the pain is not as bad as they make it out to be. You are such a dirty hippy that if you tell most hospital personnel that you subscribe to this method of birthing, you will be met with scowls and dumbfounded faces as if they are playing knifey spooney with you. You will say that you would like to use water therapy, or a certain herb(I am not talking about mary jane I just cannot remember for the life of me a specific herb used for pain relief during labour) to ease your pain, and their response will be; sure sure you want an Epidural. you will say no, a natural pain reliever. Again the staffer will say, as if confirming what they heard from you: EPI-DUR-AL.

EPIDURAL:

Scratch all of the above, you are the WORST human being EVER. You have bought into the big Pharma companies and feel that they only way to experience what every woman has been doing since the beginning of time, is just too tough for your princess-y, entitled ass. I mean come on, Really? You cannot even give birth without drugs, what kind of a woman are you? You are more than willing to drug your baby up upon entrance into the world, I pity your children, for they will be forever glassy eyed and drugged and most likely become addicts because you chose an epidural. Good luck with that.

The Joys of Pregnancy…soon to be followed by the Mother f#}^€~! Pains of it.

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My lovely sister in law asked me to stop scaring her with all the terrible things that come with pregnancy and having children. As a women I can tell you, things happen to your body that even amaze the most seasoned of “birthers” I say birthers because not everyone is a mother after pregnancy and truthfully I want to cover my ass, and not offend anyone. Ok on with the show…I can honestly say that my first pregnancy was AWESOME! I think I had morning sickness twice, and I gained exactly 30 lbs, and I didn’t have aches or pains. I only started having to pee every five minutes in my 8 month, which was the shortest because my little guy came at 37 weeks (thank god he was healthy and happy, I think he just ran outta room and was sick of my cold).

Anyway here is my list of the things I LOVED about being pregnant the first time:

My skin looked amazing, so much so I pretty much stopped wearing makeup (I didn’t wear too much before but when I was pregnant I hardly wore any).

My hair became glorious! It was as if I Ava’s in a Pantene commercial at all times without actually blow drying or even putting product in my hair! Winning!

I sang and communicated with my little man and he responded, how cool! I’m happy to say he still likes the music I used to play for him, which included a lot of Johnny Cash, Sinatra, Buble, Sade, Nasri, and ummm Wu-tang, and Ghostface oh and Amy Winehouse!

The way my little guy used to move in my belly was such a freaking cool experience, there were times I could grab his foot or make out his imprint in my stomach. This was when I realized that it really was such an incredible experience to have him growing inside of me.

This may sound insane, but I loved to wear the tightest clothing I could find to wear, probably because I enjoyed showing off my bump once it was visible, and also because I realized that this would be one of the few times in my life where I would have no shame to show off my belly. Aside from my early to late 20s, those were good mid-drift bearing years!

I loved loved loved how fast and strong my nails were during pregnancy, they were always manicured. Wow, this is now such a thing of the past lol

Maternity pants = the best invention EVER! An elastic waist band that cover my entire belly?!? Whaat this was awesome sauce mostly because I didn’t have to worry about my pants falling down, nor my shirt rolling up. The best of both worlds…although I would get so used to not checking if my pants were falling down or my shirt rolling up, I’m pretty sure I got out of the car a few times and shopped around with my shirt rolled up to my bra…just saying. It happens don’t judge!

I really liked my nesting period, I made a lot of creative things for my kiddos when pregnant both times. It was as if I had all these things that I wanted to do and I had to find ways to get it done before he came.

I really liked that my Mother and all my surrogate moms gave me all kinds of advice, support, and yummy food! The red kidney beans and rice, the veal sandwiches the ice cream and so much more…awww I think I miss pregnancy the most because of this…maybe I should get pregnant again and go for a third……hmmm as I look at the clutter that surrounds me at the moment I’m going to scratch that. As I like to tell my family, if I have another it will be a girl, and I will go adopt her from India, and she will already be potty trained!

 

Stay tuned for the why me moments that I experienced and my friends, during our pregnancies…