Tag Archives: Rants

Are you a Natural Mother?

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Are you a natural Mother? I sure as hell am not!

Being a Mother has been the only job I’ve ever had in my life that brought me to my knees begging for mercy on multiple occasions.

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My husband recently brought it to my attention that other people he knows (sometimes himself included) feel inadequate when around me as a parent. This made me sad. Never since becoming a Mother have I EVER tried to force my opinions or ideas on another Mother because I know people parent from their own experiences. What may be important to me, may not be for you.

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Here is a perfect example. When my husband and I were about to become first time parents, I had actually gotten my ideal job offer, BUT, it wasn’t meant to be because my husband was on a trajectory that would make him 3 times more money than I would ever make, but it would require him to leave for long stretches of time, and IF I took my job offer, it would have meant that my baby would be without either of his parents for most of the beginning of his life.

My own Mother’s words rang in my ears about how much she had wished she could have stayed home with me when I was small instead of leaving me in daycare or with various babysitters and I made the decision to stay home, because I wanted better for my son than I had. I wasn’t sad about it because I have faith in myself and know if I went back to work tomorrow I know I could get a full time job, without much headache.

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I think this is what makes me come off to other Mothers as being a natural. The opinion that others have of me, doesn’t bother me. I will tell you it is entirely because of the fact that life has taught me, when others find fault in you, it is because they don’t have the bravery to look at themselves and figure out what is driving them to criticize others. I know I look crazy to others and I know others think I should care more about their opinions but I just walk through my life to my own beat, looking a touch crazy on a regular basis, and I’m proud of that!

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I parent my children without apologies. I make every bad situation into a teachable moment for them and myself. I’ve turned every meltdown that my kids have thrown in public into a teachable moment for me, sometimes I learn my lesson and say, “No way am I gonna attempt that shit again” other times, I just am hurting to solve the issue and try and try and try again! I hear the criticism from others, I just don’t care! Also I have developed this amazing ability to tune out people, I mean if I can tune out the screaming banshee of a child of mine throwing a tantrum about having the wrong spoon colour, tuning our a mean mommy wannabe is easy peasy.

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Back to my original point, I am not a natural Mother, nope not me, you must have me mistaken for someone else! My house is constantly a mess, I swear in multiple languages, multiple times a day! Everything about Motherhood has been difficult for me, I just stepped up, and did my best, researched the shit out of everything I could and then applied what I could to my own situation. Now I will make a list of the things that didn’t come easy to me.

Pregnancy

Childbirth

Recovery from childbirth (two c-sections that had open holes for over two months, and terrible nurses making me cry in hospital both times)

Sleep (the fact that none of my kids slept for more than 3 hours at a time for more than a year a piece) I am not a morning person.

Breastfeeding judgement

Pumping problems

Judgy Grandma telling me to give formula because my kid was too skinny

judgy relatives thinking that both of my kids were on the Autism spectrum (even though I am trained to find markers of learning disabilities and they are trained to be gossipy Aunties, please give me your unsolicited and uneducated opinion)

Hormonal imbalances

Infertility issues when trying for my second

Miscarriage when trying for my second

Dealing with having my health deteriorate due to complications from childbirth

Weight gain for someone like me who used to be athletic!

Dealing with postpartum depression

Despising my husband for not helping because of his and our culture’s chauvinist ways.

My husband not standing up for me to people who constantly criticized me in his circle of people

My husband not stepping up to the plate once we became parents

Recognizing my children have allergies, and then having to step up to the plate and change everything that I had learned to about cooking and relearn to make everything from scratch. A whole lifestyle change.

Even now, I get so much judgement for REFUSING to hang around people that despise me, because it isn’t worth my emotional sanity to give toxic people even a moment of my time.

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The point of all this is to show you, or someone you know that even when you suspect that someone is perfect, chances are they aren’t. I struggle EVERY Day! I am constantly learning how to deal with life so that it doesn’t tip me back into depression. I don’t want your pity because I deal with my emotions, I have balances and checks in place to ensure that I don’t fall back on hard times. I am emotionally intelligent enough to ask for help when I need it, but I am very cautious of whom I ask.

I hope you take a good hard look at yourself today and just be happy that you have made it this far!

 

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Toronto Police In Schools

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Once upon a time a very long time ago in the land of Rexdale, Ontario, there lived a young woman who would be lucky enough to go to school with Toronto Police officers roaming the halls (in addition to a regular security guard). That same  young woman would graduate with honours and a scholarship to many, many different universities, and return to complete her Masters practicum at the very same high school. Also still at that high school 6+ years later, were the same type of Toronto Police officers.

The problem with Toronto Police Officers being in high schools in Toronto was that it was very, Very obvious to the teachers (both white and non white) that only certain students were even noticed by those police officers. I was approached many times by the uniformed police officers while a high school student. I was also approached by undercover Brandon Walsh looking police officers asking me where I could score some “Ganja”

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I laughed it off then, but that was due to the fact that I didn’t realize why I was being asked this question and not my Chinese Canadian friend, or my Greek friend. Now looking back I understand why, but back then it was a joke.

Fast forward a few years, 4 years of my undergrad and then 1 and a half for the beginning of my Masters program for teaching and I found myself back at my home high school in Rexdale, teaching some of my classmates’ younger siblings or cousins! You know who was still roaming those halls? Yup, you guessed it, Toronto Police Officers! Multiple times when I was teaching there were incidents, where massive group fights broke out (Just like when I was a student) and umm, who went to go break up these fights you might ask…Not the Toronto Police! Nope, they sure didn’t! In fact one of the VPs broke her ankle because she was pushed down the back hill of my school trying to break up a fight. In fact as a part of my training as a teacher, there was actually a page over the PA system where they would say something along the lines of “Paging Mr. Nelson to the front Hallway” which meant ALL TEACHERS come to the front hallway to break up a fight! Not once in my 2 years of volunteering did I see a Police officer break up a fight, but Every Damn day I saw a teachers helping those same “at risk” students instead of intimidating, Not every teacher but most of them at this school were like that.

Those same police officers would stop me in the hallway when I was dressed in jeans every Friday to the point where my supervising teacher suggested that I no longer come in dressed down, because she was worried for my safety (also that teacher of mine was a white lady). They would stop me in the hallway saying the most condescending things, like “Excuse me Missy shouldn’t you be in class?” “Don’t make us send you to the Principal’s office.” When I would snap back at them and say I am a teacher not a student (very loudly) they wouldn’t even apologize, instead almost every single time it would be a mimicking of my voice and then saying something along the lines of, “Hey you should take it as a compliment, you look so good for your age, by the way how old are you?” It would make me so angry!

What makes things worse as a teacher who didn’t recognize my privilege, my students would walk into my class late, and tell me regularly they were late because they were stopped by the cops. I could easily snap back at those officers in front of the Principal’s office, but could my students, nope.

For all those people who say the schools will be less safe without police officers there, you are privileged enough to think that the Toronto Police Officers are there to serve and Protect you. As a young Indian woman with dark skin, I didn’t feel that way, and I still don’t feel that way. I know Police Officers, I have family members who are Toronto Police officers, and I see the problem in them too! There is a systemic problem within the Toronto Police Services, they are brainwashed to be a certain way towards Women, and people of colour, and they reserve their harshest judgement for young Black Men.

Until you are someone who experiences blatant racism or sexism from the organization that is paid to protect you, please just SIT DOWN, AND SHUT UP!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also I will add as I always do, There are good police officers in Toronto, but UNTIL those good ones outnumber the bad ones there will always be anger and fear towards them instead of being revered.

Proud to be a Mother First

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I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately about women not being proud that they are mothers, or people putting mother’s down. This baffles me, and saddens me, because I’ve learned and changed so much as a mother for the better, and better yet, I have a responsibility to raise the next generation of children. I am a teacher by education and heart so maybe I am a special case, I’m sure a few of my haters would tell you for sure that I am a special case, and to them, my response is

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Reasons why I’m happy to list Mother as my most coveted skill on my resume.

  1. I can literally do anything while someone is annoying the crap out of me and do it in a calm manner, with so much self control that it shocks me at times.
  2. I have been able to retrain my brain in the span of 6 years to eat and write with my left hand, because there was a child in my right hand.
  3. I think not a few steps ahead, but literally days ahead, to stay ahead of my children and their mischievous plotting against me.
  4. I can fully function and look presentable on less than 3 hours of sleep.
  5. I can clean up an entire apartment in under 30 mins to look presentable after it looks as though it has thrown up on itself.
  6. I can also clean the entire first floor of a home with 4 rooms in 30 mins, I say this because if you come to a home with small children, don’t EVER ask to see the upstairs, because it ain’t pretty.
  7. I know how to negotiate with terrorists that I birthed and if I can convince my children to not only eat green vegetables, but ask for them in their chocolate cake, I have an immeasurable skill!
  8. I can tune out crying, which can be translated into tuning out any distractions in the real world when needing to concentrate.
  9. Being a mother has caused me to be on top of the latest trends, and safety notices and I have so much information stored in my head about so many different things it scares me.
  10. My most important skill since becoming a mother is being able to see both sides of things. I want so badly to raise a generation of boys that are different from the last, because I want this I strive to always listen to my boys and explain to them why gender stereotypes are wrong, why prejudice is wrong, why racism is wrong, why women are equal to men and so much more. I feel like this is my greatest skill, and it allows me to be open to the ideas of others but still be objective. I want my boys to express themselves freely, and when they are wrong I will correct them and tell them why. Hopefully they will in turn put that same behaviour that I model for them, into the world and make it a better place.

 

 

Don’t Hang Around Toxic People!

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Recently, within the last few years or so I have come to the realization that I don’t have to hang around people I don’t like, nor do I have to make my kids be in their presence. I’m not under this impression that you should see people to keep up appearances, because well truthfully that is utter bullshit. People who force themselves to be around people who they don’t like, just come off as disingenuous, and fake. When my son was born I make him a promise that I would attempt to put as much good into this world as possible and this is one of the ways that I intend to do that.

The problem with this decision is that I’ve been faced with so much backlash from people that I should make an effort and keep putting myself out there and quite simply I now say; “No.”

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People show you who they are with the way they treat you, and sure someone can have a bad day every now and then and be a bitch, but when someone continuously insults, degrades, questions, demeans or just straight up puts you down in front of others, no matter how many chances you give that person they are going to keep treating you this way because you are Allowing them to treat you this way. You show the aggressor that it’s okay to keep treating you like garbage and they will continue to treat you like garbage until you show them otherwise.

I find that people want you to be a part of the status quo, and the second you decide to do better than them in life, they begin to attempt to bring you back down to their level. The crabs in a bucket theory. The theory being that if you put crabs in a bucket, and they see one crab escaping, they will jointly pull that crab back into the bucket, basically telling that one lonely crab that it should know its roll and fall in line.

We as humans are the same for the most part. It is very rare to find real friends, even family. I have so many family members that told my mom and I off when she was divorced, then there were friends that stood by us. I’ve even had people, tell me off and degrade me in front of my spouse and children, on numerous occasions and then still be expected to hang out again with this person. I’m proud of myself for not doing it. This person is a family member, and the betrayal that I felt when I was degraded cut me deeply. I mourned our times together and then I reminded myself, if that person could do that to me, truly they may not have ever been genuine towards me. I haven’t spoke to this person in years now and when mutual friends or family tell me about them I literally give zero fucks. I smile and nod and don’t feel a thing. It’s sooo fucking liberating to give zero fucks!! I highly suggest it, it is the best medicine for a tortured soul!

Losing a parent or having a great loss in life usually wakes up fake people. This is another observation I’ve made. I lost multiple people whom I was close to at every single developmental stage of my life, and every single one of those people, taught me great lessons in life and their deaths all changed the course of my life for the better. The last person I lost was my mentor. He was my best friend if I’m totally honest one of my greatest life teachers. I used to refer to him as my Canadian Dad. He would always tell me that I just cared too damn much about what everyone else thought about me. It was very true, and in his life he encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone, and I always did knowing that he would be there with pizza, gin & tonics with reruns of the sopranos to make me feel better. When he passed, after a long, painful batter with brain cancer, I went full force into living life with less of other people’s expectations on me. I’m sure there were some points in my life where he was cheering me on like “Fuck Yes Leena Jump!” I think I really heard him sometimes, I feel like I still do!

So I guess the point of this long drawn out post today is that I want you as my friend to feel my freedom. Life doesn’t have to be about bullshit toxic people. Cut off people who only bring bad shit to your life. You will feel liberated. You will be happier not having to worry about how someone is looking at you or what they are saying behind your back. Surround yourself with people who tell you what they think of you to your face. Life is too short, to waste on fake friends. Do you and be good to others, just because they are humans like you and I promise you only good things will come your way. If you put goodness into the world, and stop putting bad vibes and Bullshit drama, your life will improve immensely.

Try it and please let me know how it works out for you!Zerofucks

Please, stop saying these 6 things before my head explodes!

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1. “All of THE sudden” it is actually “All of A Sudden”

2. “Respond Back” or “Reply back” or “return back” you can literally just say RESPOND, REPLY or RETURN! When you add “back” you are being redundant.

3. “Could of” instead it is “Could Have”

4. “Intensive Purposes” it is actually “Intents and Purposes”

5. “Merge together” just like respond, reply and return just say “Merge”

6. “How’s going?” maybe this is just a Canadian thing, but the correct question is “How is it going?”
I’m not saying it to be mean, it just drives me so crazy!!! I want to correct people who say it but then I would really be a jerk so you know I ignore it and then it just keeps happening…it is a vicious cycle of driving me crazy! 
Thanks God I got that off my chest…oh wait that one too! “THANK God” or goodness for my atheists 😊